


This is My Problem, Not Yours

by K1nerd2



Category: Rhett & Link
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Blood, Blood and Injury, Cutting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inner Dialogue, Internal Conflict, Little bit of smut, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Triggers, possible blood kink?, self-injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-06-19
Packaged: 2018-06-08 17:44:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6866677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K1nerd2/pseuds/K1nerd2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Years since he last lost control of himself, Link struggles again between rationality and his desire to cut.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Craving

**Author's Note:**

> ****TRIGGER WARNING**** 
> 
> This fic describes the inner-turmoil, feelings, and act of self-harm through cutting. Please, PLEASE do not read if this is something that you are struggling with and that may be a trigger for you.
> 
> Link's character in this fic does not "hear voices". The italicized dialogue is still him, just the part of him that wants to cut

2 Years...  It had been 2 full years since the last cut.

Link let out a long exhale as he slouched in his chair with his elbows on his knees, staring blankly at his arm, knife in hand.  The cravings had increased with growing intensity over the last couple months.  Almost calling to him in a soothing voice; louder and louder.  The past couple months had been stressful, but nothing outside of ordinary.  He and Rhett had a couple disagreements about topics for GMM, but that wasn’t anything new or detrimental to their friendship.  There had been criticism from the mythical beasts, but there always was.  He usually didn’t mind the criticism, it helped them tweak material to try to make GMM more enjoyable for more people.  But when they were directed at him specifically, they had a tendency to sting.  And that wheel, that fucking wheel.

“Link is the princess…” the words like bile on his tongue.

Is that still how they viewed him?  Even the crew? The mythical beasts submitted suggestions for the wheel, but ultimately the crew picked the ones that went onto the wheel.  He had hoped that the comments and perception about him being too girly or boyish would fall back once he cut his wings and donned a more “masculine” hairstyle.  He had even been going to the gym for a little while now, and drinking protein shakes to build muscles.  He saw all the comments about his toned arms and shoulders from the water segment.  The mythical beasts were noticing the positive difference the gym was making. He smiled at himself momentarily.

_But you’re still just a fucking princess in their eyes. Rhett will always be more of a man than you._

“What the fuck do they want from me?!” he cursed under his breath. “I just can’t win”

_Why don’t you go ahead? You know you want to; you know how wonderful it will feel_

“Rhett will be back from lunch soon; I shouldn’t even be holding this damn thing.  I won’t have a good excuse for the wound, I doubt anyone truly believed me last time.” Link scolded himself, remembering the accusing look in his best friend’s eyes.

_Just keep it hidden until you can think of a proper explanation for it, that’s what you’ve always done.  Rhett doesn’t even know you cut because you hid it so well.  What’s one more time? Besides, it has been 2 years, even more reason why no one will suspect anything.  Don’t you want it? Do it._

The desire grew in Link’s chest, he almost felt anxious.  The nerves on his skin danced into an irritable sensation that was getting more difficult to shake.  The nervous energy within was building up, he needed release, he needed that exhilaration followed by instant satisfaction.  The feeling was almost as intense as it was 2 years ago.

“Of course I want it, but what if lose control again?” He shook his head, “I don’t want to lose control like that again…” Link sighed, the blade still pressed against his left arm.  In a stalemate with himself.  He couldn’t bring himself to slide the cold, hard, sterilized blade across his skin, but he didn’t want to pull it away either.  The last cut had been so unexpectedly deep; he had miscalculated the sharpness of the blade and over compensated for using his left hand to hold the knife.  Now he was forever left with a 4-inch-long by ¾-inch-wide scar on the underside of his right forearm.

“I should have gotten stitches for that cut. I had to go to the fucking hospital! I never had to do that before. How could I have let myself be so fucking careless!?” angry with himself at the memory, Link threw the utility knife onto the desk and grabbed the sides of his head desperately.

“Fuck! Stop it, just stop it! I shouldn’t do this.  Why the hell do I have to struggle with this?!”

 _Just be more careful this time, you were always so careful. You only lost control last time because you acted too hastily.  Because you had to be a little bitch about that masculine makeover episode, it was your own fault._ The craving mocking him, dripping venom in every word.

Links eyes trailed down his arms, gently running his fingers over the fading scars he accumulated over the years.  He had learned to be very careful in his approach when he decided to break his smooth skin with the blade.  This was something that he could control, and he had convinced himself that he was smart about it.  He stayed away from arteries, applied rubbing alcohol to the skin first, and used a utility knife sterilized with a flame to help gauge the depth.  His acts of self-inflicted harm became more of a calming ritual in his adult years compared to the rash, emotionally and anxiety driven cuts from high school.  The feeling of control he gained when he cut gave him the adrenaline to gaze at the wound without feeling faint or nauseous.  

The scars were relatively sporadic.  He had been careful to only allow himself to indulge in a cut here and there, never allow them to line up in a pattern.   It made it easier to lie about them, and chock the injuries up to some clumsy move he had made while filming, mountain biking, or other stupid thing people always seemed to expect from him.  The key had been control, only a couple every month at most so he wouldn’t be found out and confronted by Rhett.  How he had managed to keep this secret pleasure from his best friend for so long, he wasn’t sure. 

“What the hell is wrong with me?”

 _You’re pathetic, that’s what’s wrong with you.  Don’t you understand? No matter how you change your look or how much you lift at the gym, you will always be the princess, the weakling, the little boy compared to Rhett.  You are shit, and always will be. Now, let’s make you feel better. You’re going to love it._ The craving whispered seductively in his mind.

_You’re so worked up; you can feel it all over your body can’t you?  Just imagine the how good it will feel again to slide that blade across your skin, and how beautiful the blood flow will be, like rubies. You’ve been fighting for so long. For what? Nothing has changed and never will.  You know the wonderful release it will give you. It feels so good; you know you can’t deny it. So why continue to fight me?_

Link moaned audibly, “yes” as his tightly closed fists began to relax, resting them on his knees with the soothing memory of past releases, the immense sensations and pleasure they brought. His head felt so heavy, so exhausted from fighting back. 

Since the day Link cut too deep, the desires to cut again felt like a craving a normal person would have for a specific food; Present for a little while, but went away when he ignored it or attempted to shove it out of his mind through other distractions.   The craving today kept gnawing at his consciousness, breaking him down bit by bit.  Refusing to let him ignore it, fueled by a growing angst and self-consciousness. 

“Oh god, I want it… I want it so fucking bad” Linked practically begged the craving, full of need.

If his craving had a face, it was smiling with a sinister sense of accomplishment.  It knew it finally had him.

_Then do it_

Link moved his hooded gaze from his arm to the discarded utility knife on the desk.  His eyes darkened, overcome with lust for it, for what it could give him.

“I need this, just one on my upper arm” convincing himself that he could keep it hidden with his t-shirt, and could keep a better eye on it the cut was on the outside. “It’ll be easier to explain if needed…”

Link picked up the knife, gazing upon it with a loving adoration, as if it were a longtime faithful friend waiting for him.  Feeling the weight and warmness of it in his hand, he felt complete. It was Calming, almost sensual. Finally, Link once again held the blade against his outer bicep, allowing his mind to go blank and give in to his long repressed desire. He took a deep breath and held it and closed his eyes as he pulled the blade across his arm, towards his body swiftly. Link exhaled sharply as his eyes flew open, filled with fire and greed.

_More_

He pulled the knife again. It was even more exhilarating than he had remembered, but not enough. 

_Again!_

Greedily, Link pulled the knife across his skin a third time. It was wonderful! He couldn’t stop, he didn’t want to stop.  All reasoning and rationale in his mind now clouded with his lust for this forgotten, wonderful sensation. Why had he waited long?!  

 _Yes, more, more! MORE!!_ Another cut with each growing demand.

The doorknob rattled, ripping Link out of the craving’s seductive spell, crashing him back into reality.

“What the?... Hey Link? You in there brother? Rhett called from the other side of the office door as he knocked, confused. “Why is the door locked?”

“Oh, ah, um… I just… just needed some privacy for a moment!” Fumbling over his words in a sudden panic. “Give me a sec, I’ll be right there!”

The damaged had been done.  In his greed for satisfaction, Link cut himself 6 times on his arm and the blood started to cascade from the broken skin down his arm.  His eyes grew wide in terror; this was much more than he wanted to do!  And now Rhett was right outside the door.  Darkness started closing in around him.

“No, no, no, keep it together Neal!” With all of his energy, Link willed himself to not succumb to fainting.  He didn’t have time to properly bandage himself, he just had to quickly wipe it up and cover it with his sleeve and get out of there. Hopefully the navy blue would hide any blood.  Link pressed a folded facial tissue against the cuts, praying that the blood would dry quickly and hold it in place.

Anxiety growing, Link threw the bloody tissues he used for wiping and the knife into the trash next to his desk.

“Link, come on man, I’ve got stuff to do” Rhett hollered again through the door, building annoyance clear in his tone.

The smaller man opened the door, trying to act indifferent and collected. 

“Sorry Rhett, I was sorting through a few things, but the crew kept interrupting… So I …” His voice trailed off as he gestured towards the door with a shrug.

“Umm… Ooookaaay…” Rhett’s brow furrowing as he looked at Link incredulously. But then he noticed the brunette’s face.  “Everything ok? You’re really flushed and kind of look like you’ve been crying”

“Yeah, of course” Link lied, but the shakiness in his voice betrayed him.

“Don’t do that Link, something’s obviously bothering you.  You almost never lock the door to our office, well without me in it too,” Rhett chuckled at himself as he gave Link a knowing wink.

“I uh… was just thinking about the wheel ending from today,” he spoke quietly; it was technically true.

“Oh yeah? Were you disappointed that I didn’t lean over and give you a big ‘o smack on the lips?” Rhett teased, wiggling his eyebrows at Link.  Normally Link would take this opportunity to flirt back with Rhett, even take it further, but he couldn’t bring himself to flirt or joke with the taller man right now.

“No.” he said, lips pursed. Wanting to get as far away from the taller man as possible, as quickly as possible, Link tried to brush past him to go through the door.

“Whoa, hey man” Rhett said concerned, blocking Link’s escape route, taken aback by his best friend’s behavior. “What is going on? Did I do something to make you made at me?”

“God Rhett it’s not always about you!” Link snapped.  He didn’t mean to, but he desperately wanted to get away, he needed to get away.  The exhaustion from trying to fight himself earlier, growing anxiety of the pulsing wounds on his arm, and now the chance of Rhett finding out was too much.  The room was starting to spin.  He tried again, successfully, to push past Rhett.

“Link wait!” Rhett’s hand shot out and forcibly grabbed the smaller man as he started to walked away.

“Ahhhhhh!!!!”

Link’s scream was piercing.  Stunned, Rhett instantly let go of Link’s upper arm and stumbled back as the smaller man collapsed to the floor, cradling his left arm. Tears starting to stream down his face, twisted in pain.

“Link! What the hell…?” Rhett reached out to the man, then stopped.  His eyes darkened when he looked down at his own hand.  The hand that had grabbed Link.

“Link” he said slowly in an eerily calm voice, still gazing at his hand, “why is there blood all over my hand?”


	2. Lies & Truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cornered by Rhett and out of ideas. Link is forced to tell Rhett the truth that he has been keeping from him for over 20 years. But how will Rhett respond?

“Link… Link?  Hey, come back to me buddy”

Link’s eyes fluttered open then squinted from the fluorescent lighting as he awoke on the couch in his and Rhett’s office.  His head was swimming and he felt disoriented, trying to understand where he was and why.

 _Oh yeah, I cut myself didn’t I._ A wave a pleasure passed through Link as he remembered the act, but it was quickly replaced with a sickening fear as the scene flashed through his mind. _I lost control again…6 cuts, but they weren’t that deep, right? ...And then Rhett… oh God, Rhett_.  _What do I do? How much does he know? What will he think of me? Was it worth it?_ Fear and panic swarmed Link’s mind with too many questions to focus on any one. 

 _Ok, Ok, calm down_ , _you can handle this._  Link hesitantly looked over to his left and saw Rhett come into focus.  Rhett had pulled the office chair up to the couch and was leaning over with his elbows on his knees.  Even hunched over, the man’s presence over Link was intimidating, making Link try to push into the couch as much as humanly possible away from the man that was looming over him.

Link looked up at Rhett and immediately looked away.  The taller man’s face was a mixture of concern and worry for his best friend of over 30 years, but his eyes… Link couldn’t remember the last time he had seen Rhett’s eyes like this.  They were cutting deeper into Link than any knife could.  The look of betrayal, disappointment, hurt, like a parent trying to decide whether to be mad or concerned at their child.  Rhett sat, staring for what felt like an eternity to Link.  Link turned to face the back of the couch, but he could feel Rhett’s green eyes peering intensely into him. 

After Link passed out, Rhett carefully lifted him from the floor and placed him on the couch then sent the crew home for the day, locking the door to their office with no explanation.  This wasn’t something he needed them to get involved with and didn’t feel like lying about the situation.  Rhett looked at Link’s left arm and saw the blood had seeped through the shirt like a Rorschach inkblot test.  Rhett’s stomach twisted with a heavy ache as he gingerly lifted up the sleeve on his unconscious best friend.  Part of him had always suspected, but never really wanted to accept the idea that Link could be purposefully hurting himself.  He had convinced himself that Link would come and talk to him if he had a problem before doing something as childish and foolish as this. 

Rhett exhaled heavily while pushing his hands through his blonde hair, trying to calm himself down from the worry and anger he was feeling towards Link.  The bleeding from Link’s arm had appeared to had stopped.  Unsure of what to do next, Rhett pulled the sleeve back down over the cuts and sat next to Link, waiting.

“So, Link” Rhett started once it was obvious that Link was awake, but was not going to initiate the conversation.  His voice was calm and controlled, trying to give Link the benefit of the doubt, no matter how little there was and not get lost in his emotions. “Wanna tell me what’s going on with your arm? And why you were acting weird?”

Silence

Link slowly turned his head back to face Rhett, eyes down, avoiding contact.  _Ok, maybe he doesn’t know… think Neal, think. He’s more than likely seen the cuts, but he doesn’t know that I did them, you can do this. You’ve lied to his face about this kind of thing before._

“Yeah, um… gosh, it’s so stupid.” Link began, putting on the best poker face he could muster. “I was playing with Jade last night, and we haven’t trimmed her nails in a while…” Link focused on trying to keep the right amount of eye contact and not talking too slow, or fast with Rhett to be convincing. “I guess I was a little too rough with her when I was holding her in my arms, because her front paws came down on my arm while she was trying to get away and cut me.  All six of her little sharp claws just… _Link made a swiping motion with his nails across his arm…_ like that”

Link was too busy getting into his story, otherwise he would have seen Rhett’s face change from the initial worry he was expressing, to the dark, intensely controlled anger exuding from him.  Rhett grit his teeth and glared as the smaller man lied to him, again.  It was everything in his power to clench his knees instead of reaching out and striking Link.  He knew every word out of Link’s mouth was a lie.  Even if he hadn’t seen the still bloody utility knife in Link’s trash can after he wiped his bloodied hand, did Link _really_ think he was so ignorant as to believe what he was telling him?!

“…So earlier my arm itched and I scratched it without thinking, you know how I am” Link continued, shaking his head and laughing at himself for show, “I accidentally broke the scabs and was going to try to clean it up myself but kept getting woozy, that’s why I was so flushed when you first saw me.  And I guess I fainted after you grabbed my arm.”  Even though Link didn’t emphasize Rhett grabbing his arm, Rhett heard it as blame being passed to him as to why he blacked out.

“Oh, ok” Rhett said in near-mocking tone, looking Link dead in the eyes, giving him one. Last. Chance.

“Heh, yeah” Link exclaimed, relieved, thinking he had fooled Rhett. Pushing his luck. “Silly of me I know, but hey, I know you didn’t know when you grabbed my arm. I know you care about me man, and I appreciate it.” As he spoke, Link swung his legs onto the floor and stood up patting Rhett on the shoulder as he started to walk towards the closed office door.  _I am so good at this_ he thought to himself proudly.

“Are you fucking kidding me” Rhett huffed in disbelief, no louder than a whisper. “What about the knife in the garbage can Link?” his hurt-filled anger growing as he stood to face Link.

Link froze in place, “wha… what was that?... Rhett?” every word he spoke shook. _Oh no… oh no, oh no, oh no_ …

“I think you heard me just fine Link” Rhett spat as he towered directly in front of the smaller man. “What. About. The fucking knife. In. the GODDAM GARBAGE CAN LINK? It’s still bloody, you got any BULLSHIT STORIES FOR ME ABOUT HOW THAT GOT IN THERE?! ‘Cause I would LOVE to hear them!”

All color flushed out of Link’s face as his eyes grew wide in fear from the anger exuding from Rhett, causing him to stumble backwards on to the couch.  “I… I… ah… ummm…” Link couldn’t think, only nonsensical sounds formed from his lips.  Never before had the larger man seemed so mad at him, and it scared Link.  Rhett had never struck Link, but right now he wasn’t so sure that the man wouldn’t.

“Nothing to say now Link?” His voiced lowered.  Rhett closed in on Link, hands on the smaller man’s shoulders, pinning him to the couch.  “How long Link?” Rhett’s voice low, intense, but trying to regain his composure, his face remaining a hot red. “How long have you been doing this and keeping it from me?” He was afraid to ask, knowing that the answer would not help anything. But he needed to know, he needed to hear Link confess it to him.

 _This is the first time._ Link started to open his mouth to lie again, in a last attempt to try to hide what he hated, yet held so dear.  But the intensity in Rhett’s eyes were more powerful than any truth serum.  Link knew he couldn’t lie anymore, and honestly, a small part of him didn’t want to lie anymore.

_No! you can’t tell him! Are you fucking stupid? He’ll make you stop, and you know you don’t really want to stop.  You proved that today, you loved it. Admit it! He’s just going to judge you and call you crazy and leave you. Who wants to put up with a narcissist like you? You’re lucky he’s actually stuck with you as long as he already has. No way he’ll stay if you tell him. You can handle this alone! You don’t need him!_

Trembling and trying to push his anxiety aside, Link lowered his head in shame.  He knew this was going to hurt. Who more? He wasn’t sure. “8th grade…” exhale. “I’ve been cutting on and off since 8th grade”.  Link closed his eyes and waited, muscles taut, bracing himself for Rhett to lash out at him in anger. 

Nothing

_He hates you now, and he has every right to.  You’ve kept this from him, lied to him for over 20 years. Do you think he’s just going to forgive you and move on? You know you can never cut again now that he knows right? He’s going to inspect you, search you for new cuts now.  He’ll always be suspect of you.  He will never trust you again._

_I know,_ Link answered himself.  He probably should be tearing up, feel more remorseful for deceiving Rhett for so long.  But he just felt numb and longed to cut more.  He didn’t really care that he kept it from Rhett. He did what he felt he had to so he could continue his addiction, his pleasure. It was his.

Rhett stared down at Link’s neutral expression, dumbstruck and hurt, unaware of the chaos raging inside the brunette’s mind.  How had Link managed to keep this from him for so long? And why? Why the hell didn’t Link come to him for help? Didn’t Link trust him? Frustration grew within Rhett for being lied to for so long.  And yet, how could Rhett never truly see what was happening?  As much as Link was responsible for not coming to him, he should have been able to pick up on the subtle and not-so subtle hints over the years.

Two years ago Link went to urgent care after Rhett found him passed out in the utility closet he used to wash his face after the “manly makeover” episode.  Supposedly Link had fallen when he turned around too quickly and caught his right arm on a tool that was sticking out from the shelf.  The injury was gruesome, but too clean and precise to be caused by some random tool while falling.  Rhett tried to confront Link then, but the brunette was obviously insulted and became angry at Rhett’s inquiry, making Rhett feel like a fool for even questioning the validity of Link’s statement.

Rhett’s heart sank in guilt as tears began to well up in his eyes.  He had always known, but never knew how to handle it.  So he allowed himself to believe all of the frail lies Link told over the years.  Ignoring it, but he couldn’t look the other way anymore.  What do you say to someone who hurts themselves? It was more than Rhett could comprehend and it only fueled his frustration of the situation. 

“Why?” Rhett asked, his voice pained with betrayal and hurt, as he carefully knelt in front of Link, who was still pinned to the couch by Rhett’s firm hands.  His eyes searching Link’s face for something, anything that would give him answers.  But Link just continued to avert his eyes and show indifference to Rhett’s concern.

“Why would you do this to yourself? Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Rhett’s hurt growing again, “Why did you lie to me?” Unsure of what else to ask he just repeated. “Why?”

 _Because it feels so good_  

“I don’t know.” Link shrugged as he glanced up at Rhett, unsure of how much he really wanted to tell the man. “It started as a punishment I guess, I never really thought of the why, I just did. Eventually it would help calm me when I felt like I was having a breakdown, but is so exhilarating at the same time.”  

“How can it be calming?” Rhett scrunched is face in confusion

“I don’t know how to explain; I just get excited thinking about it.  Running the knife across my pale skin, then the beautiful contrast of the blood…” Link trailed off, the thought of cutting again excited him, bringing a light flush to his cheeks.

Rhett noticed the change in Link’s demeanor, and before he could sensor himself he blurted, “Link, that’s sick! Don’t you realize how wrong this is?!”

_Of course I do! You don’t have to tell me, I’m the one struggling with this for years!_

“What’s the big deal Rhett?!” Link’s face darkened as he began defending himself to Rhett. “People smoke, but no one seems to lose their minds about it…”

“That’s different Link you’re damaging your body” Rhett tried to start, but was immediately cutoff. 

“How?! Someone smokes, people barely bat an eye, someone cuts and everyone seems to lose their shit.  ‘oh that person must be depressed’, ‘they’re not right in the head’, ‘they just want attention’, ‘stay away from them’, ‘pathetic’” Link mockingly spat out things he had heard over the years about cutters.  His own anger growing from the judgmental stares he averted over the decades. 

He continued, “People who smoke _damage_ their body too, the only _difference_ is the _damage_ I do is external.” Gaining confidence and momentum, Link physically pushed back Rhett’s hands from his shoulders effectively releasing himself from being pinned on the couch.  He leaned forward to the man kneeling on the floor, radiating with fury, causing Rhett to fall back a bit.

“And you know what?! I’m not going to die from cutting, I’m smart about it!” _Usually…_ “I’m not going to get cancer from this, nor will I give someone else cancer!” The flood gates had opened, so many years of Link holding back his frustration and fear of judgment at his perceived societal disconnect of what was ok for someone to do or not do.

“…it’s not healthy” Rhett pleaded quietly, he had never heard Link talk like this before, and it scared him.  He looked at the large scar from two years ago on Link’s arm. What if that had been deeper? How could he say these things?  The anger he felt towards Link faded, he just wanted to pull him close. Was this really how Link felt?

“People smoke! People drink! People get off on pain! And so much more! How the hell is this different?! This feels great to me; I love it”. _and hate it, I know it’s wrong, but I don’t want to give it up, I can’t._   “Just because it’s not as socially acceptable doesn’t give you the right to judge me and try to make me feel like shit about it.” _I hate myself for doing it. Please don’t leave me now, I’m scared, I’m so scared._

Link stared at Rhett, his breathing fast and shallow, challenging him to say something. But Rhett just stared back at the broken, exhausted man in front of him.  The wind completely knocked out of him, stunned from everything he just heard from his best friend.  Rhett’s heart broke as tears ran down his cheeks soaking his beard, how could he have ignored this for so long.  Link’s face remained stern and challenging, but his eyes were crying out to Rhett to save him from himself.  As if the brunette was torn from within, meaning every word he said, but hating himself for saying them.

With nothing else to say, Rhett reached forward and pulled Link tightly into his chest as he leaned forward; Crying over his friend, crying over the cutting, the hurt, the lies, the truth. Rhett held Link and just cried as he felt the smaller man start to relax in his embrace.

“I love you Link”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, and for all of the kind comments and kudos so far on this story. I know the topic can be a sensitive and difficult one. Thanks for sticking with me. it means a lot :)


	3. I'm On Your Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link refuses to give up his addiction, and Rhett is at the end of his rope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a little longer than expected to write this next chapter.

_Stop looking at me like that,_ Link thought loudly.  Annoyed, as he briefly glanced back at Rhett sitting across the dinner table, who had been staring at him now for a while.  _He pities you. You’re pathetic. I can’t believe he’s still with you. It’s only a matter of time before he gets tired of dealing with your bullshit. Who would want to be around you? Knowing what you still do. You need to cut to feel good, you’re disgusting. He thinks –_

“How are you doing Link?” Rhett asked, voice full of concern, while reaching across the table to gently place his hand over Link’s.  Caressing the top of the smaller man’s hand with his thumb in a silent _I love you._   

Lately, Rhett’s typically bright, green eyes were a little dimmer and carried a heavy sadness when he looked at Link. He wanted to hold the smaller man and never let him go; reaffirm over and over again to him of how much he was loved.  He wanted nothing more than to kiss all the scars away and to stop Link from creating more. Rhett still couldn’t understand why Link had been hurting himself for so long, and was _still_ cutting himself after the brunette’s secret was forced into the light a couple of months ago. 

“I’m fine.” Link stated coldly, breaking what little eye contact there was, as he pulled his hand back, feigning interest in his half-eaten meal.  Mentally telling both Rhett and his own brain to shut up.

Rejected yet again and defeated, Rhett withdrew his hand from his best friend and breathed a weighted sigh while fighting back tears.  He had been crying a lot lately. He didn’t know what to do anymore.  He kept replaying the events and fights of the past two months in his head; along with everything Link had said. Was there more he should have done, _could_ have done?

When the truth finally came out, Rhett cried for almost an hour with Link in his arms.  But instead of embracing Rhett back, the brunette became cold, distant, attempting to rebuild the walls that came crashing down around him.  Link didn’t struggle in Rhett’s arms, nor did he express remorse for the decades of lying and self-injury.  Everything about the smaller man appeared numb. Only deep within his blue eyes could one see his pain. Still, no tears fell.

Rhett didn’t understand how emotionally, mentally, and physically naked Link felt in front of him that day. Nor how much Link hated himself for allowing Rhett to see that vulnerability.  Link wasn’t ready to share this addiction and wished that day had never happened, never had he felt more ashamed or embarrassed.  Part of him blamed Rhett for it.

Since then, Rhett had tried numerous times to talk to Link about the cutting, but they just turned into fights. “ _Please let me help you Link. I’m here for you. If you won’t talk to me, please at least see **someone** about this!”,_ Rhett would beg.  But every time Link avoided the subject or dismissed Rhett; telling him that he would handle it on his own, as he always had.  “ _No! I don’t need anyone. And I don’t need you! I have this under control!”,_ Link would hiss; pushing Rhett, sometimes physically, away; keeping him at arm’s length.  A small voice within Link cried out for Rhett as he cursed himself each time he pushed Rhett away, _no, please…I don’t really mean it. I’m scared…I’m so scared_.   

Link was struggling almost daily, bound inside is head with his thoughts.  Divided in a losing battle with himself between desire and sensibility.   Terrified tell Rhett about his inner turmoil; he didn’t want to be seen as broken, nor did he know how to explain to Rhett, that he just wanted to cut.  Plain and simple, he just wanted it.  Hell, there were plenty of times he cut just because he was bored and it was something exhilarating to do.  He _needed_ it; yet, he despised himself for it. He knew that he should stop, but felt no true conviction about it. The intoxicating high was too powerful.  

It would only be a matter of time before Rhett would grow weary of Link’s disregard for himself via cutting and leave him. Link convinced himself that it would be less painful to start rejecting Rhett now, creating his own self-fulfilling prophecy before Rhett could fully reject him. Leaving him all alone.

There was at least one fresh cut every couple of weeks now since Link broke his 2-year restraint.  As if he were making up for lost time.  Link kept the cuts hidden from the rest of the world, but didn’t bother trying to hide them from Rhett anymore.

Rhett inadvertently found the first cut on Link since the incident while sharing an intimate evening at home.  Shock erupted into yelling, with Link storming out, locking himself in the guest room all night and mentally numbing himself from the pain of everything.  _Who does he think he is? He doesn’t understand, he never will.  I don’t care that he knows.  Now I won’t have to worry about hiding it so much. I don’t care. I don’t care. I. Don’t. Care._ Lying to himself over and over until he believed it. It was his body, and he would do whatever the fuck he wanted. 

All the while, Rhett wept angry tears through the night, feeling helpless.  Fearing for Link.

More cuts, more fighting. 

Rhett became convinced that Link was purposefully placing new cuts so Rhett, and _only_ Rhett could see them; his thighs.  Each cut on Link’s thighs mocked Rhett of how paralyzed he was to stop Link. Each cut screaming _FUCK YOU!_  in Rhett’s eyes.  Eventually the fights just faded into exasperated silence.  Being told “NO” by Rhett just fueled Link’s defiant nature to want it more. 

Rhett started to research cutting, trying to understand Link’s desires for this since the smaller man wouldn’t talk to him openly.  Rhett saw stories of people who cut and went too far.  They didn’t want to kill themselves, but they accidentally went too deep or hit an artery and died.  Panic slowly started to set in.  _What if this happens to Link? Would he have died had I not found him?_ Link’s large scar on his arm seared into his mind.

He was terrified that one day he would find Link, again, passed out in a pool of blood with one or multiple cuts; bleeding out.  And he would be too late to save him.  Rhett knew Link didn’t want to die…but what if…what if?…he would never forgive himself.  Rhett was desperate to change Link’s mind.

Tonight, tonight was going to be different. 

Rhett thought of a plan.  A plan spawned from another night of emotional anguish and desperation as he lay awake, crying; Wishing Link would understand.  He knew it was risky and not ideal, but he was out of options.  _I think I have everything I need, but… gosh, don’t know if I can go through with this…_ Rhett thought to himself as he stared at Link again.  _What if he hates me after? I don’t think I could handle that.  But anything has got to be better than the direction we’re heading if I don’t put a stop to this. Right?  I don’t think I’m strong enough to do this._

“I think I’m just going to head to bed” Link suddenly announced, breaking the uncomfortable silence and snapping Rhett out of his thoughts.

“But it’s barely 8:30 Link, don’t you want to stay up and we can watch TV together or something?” Rhett tried hopefully, he didn’t want Link going to bed yet.  He had spent all day mentally preparing himself for tonight, but still didn’t feel ready to make the necessary move.

“Nah” Link replied, shaking his head, dismissing Rhett as he moved to clean and put his dish away. “I’m kind of feeling tired anyway and I’m bored. No point in staying up. You can stay down here though.” _A cut would feel so good right now._

A pull in Rhett’s gut told him not to let Link be alone.   _You need to act now!_  Scared, Rhett quickly got up from his seat and moved over to Link, wrapping his arms around the brunette’s thin waist.  Lightly running his hands up the sides of Link’s torso and he tried to pull him in.  Rhett felt Link’s muscles tense up as he hunched his shoulders up to his ears, attempting to side-step of out Rhett’s embrace.  Sending a clear signal, he did not want to be touched.

“Hey, I’m trying to do something here” Link said curtly as he fully broke from Rhett’s arms.

“Yeah, so am I” Rhett tried in a low, seductive tone, as he reached for Link’s shoulder.

“Ugh, stop it Rhett” Link cringed, rolling his shoulder away, backing away from Rhett again. “I’m not in the mood.”

_No Link, you’re not pushing me away this time._   Rhett, now more determined, reached again for Link with more urgency. Cupping him by the back of the neck, Rhett drew Link in close and met the smaller man’s lips with his own as he held Link tight around the waste with his free arm.  _I’m not going to lose you Link. Not now, not ever._

Link met Rhett’s kiss with rigidity, but then started to relax and return the kisses as he realized that Rhett was not going to give up as easily tonight as he had nights prior.  As Rhett embraced Link, kissing him passionately on the lips, he slowly moved his kisses to Link’s cheek and pushed forward, bringing his head down to Link’s ear.

“I know of something else we could do if you’re bored” Rhett cooed as he softly kissed Link again on the cheek, praying the man would agree.  _Don’t make this any more difficult than it’s already going to be Link… Please…_

“I don’t know Rhett… I don’t think I’m in the mood” Link lied again, turning his back to Rhett as best he could while still in the blonde’s embrace.  _Stop resisting him, you idiot, you’re just hurting yourself._ In truth, Link wanted nothing more than for Rhett to touch him like this, and more.  The cuts all over his thighs had disturbed Rhett so much that the man couldn’t keep his composure whenever they tried to be intimate resulting in arguing or disappointment for both men.  _He doesn’t touch you because you’re sick, you love cutting more than him._ Not wanting to deal with Rhett’s disproval of the cuts, and feeling ashamed through his own awareness of them, Link started rejecting all advances Rhett made on him.  Both sexual and affectionate. _Why are you so upset? You wanted to push him away, and you’re succeeding._

“Ah come on, baby” Rhett tried again as he began to caress Link’s chest with his left hand, moving his right down Link’s front to the bulge that was starting to grow.  Rhett gently, yet firmly rubbed his palm over Link, stimulating him.  Rhett pressed his body up against Link’s backside, trying to focus his mind on creating his own erection so he could be convincing, and not on what was soon to follow.  The brunette’s eyes began to flutter, as he lay is head back into the nook of Rhett’s shoulder.

“Oh gosh Rhett…” The sensations felt so good, Link began to lower his barrier, allowing himself to feel the warmth growing in his abdomen.  Rhett’s beard softly brushing up against his skin as he continued to kiss Link’s cheek and neck.  His hand running across his chest, stopping to tease his nipples, growing in sensitivity.  And Rhett’s firm hand, rubbing the front of his jeans, tracing the outline Link’s erection with the tips of his fingers.  Lightly letting his fingernails catch on the jean, creating a slight vibrating sensation along his dick. _Stop resisting him._

“Cuz I have an idea of something a little different we could try tonight” Rhett continued, attempting to keep his breathing as steady as possible, trying to stay calm.  _I can do this, I have to do this, it’ll be ok.  Please don’t hate me after this Link_.

Link noticed the nerves in Rhett’s voice.  “Oh yeah?” Link couldn’t help but be a little intrigued, if Rhett seemed bashful about it, then it had to be good. “what do you have in mind?” Link smirked as he rubbed his ass against the front of Rhett’s jeans.  Getting too lost in the pleasures from Rhett touching him to notice that Rhett’s dick was not matching the enthusiasm of his hands.

_You can do this, keep it together_ Rhett prepped himself. “I was thinking we could try a little bondage.  I looked up some techniques on the internet, and there’s one where the person is tied to a chair that looked pretty hot” Rhett’s face flushed with embarrassment as he described it to Link.  _He’s not going to go for this.  This is a stupid idea, but how else am I going to get him to stay put and listen._

Link’s face twisted with confusion and turned to face Rhett.  The taller man had never mentioned doing anything like this before, he had always been very vanilla when they had sex.  It took Link years before he could convince Rhett to fool around at the office.  Why would he suddenly want to try bondage? Link studied Rhett’s red face.  This suggestion was obviously making the taller man nervous, but it wasn’t anything too crazy Link thought.

“Alright” Link conceded, “what do we do?”

“Really? Ok, yeah… um… stay right here, I’ll go grab everything.” Rhett quickly ran into the other room and returned with a couple skeins of hemp rope, and an instruction sheet for reference to properly tie up Link without hurting him. 

Link removed his shirt and went to undo his pants, but was stopped by Rhett.

“Actually, this doesn’t require undressing” _Maybe if the circumstances were different, but I can’t in good conscience…_

“Seriously?” Link looked up at Rhett, confused, “Then what’s the point?”

“Oh, you’ll find out soon, I promise” _Smooth McLaughlin, way to keep up the facade. Just hurry up and tie him up before he catches on._

“Fine” Link huffed, annoyed and confused as he put his shirt back on.

Rhett pulled out one of the chairs from the table and set it to the side. “Sit down here Link.”

Begrudgingly, Link obeyed and sat down in the wooden chair.  Rhett guided the smaller man’s hands behind the back of the chair, wrapping the rope between his wrists in a figure eight pattern.  After Rhett cinched the rope, he checked the tension to ensure Link couldn’t slip out of the restraint, but wasn’t cutting off circulation.  _Ugh, maybe I should have practiced this a bit more._ Rhett proceeded to wrap the rope across Link’s chest, weaving the rope a few times between the rungs on the back of the chair to help hold his upper body in place.

Rhett continued to secure Link to the wooden chair by binding Link’s ankles and legs separately to the front two legs of the chair, double checking his instruction sheet and the tightness of the rope as he moved up to Link’s hips and thighs.  Once again, Rhett wrapped the rope around Link’s body and the chair and cinched the rope tight.  Link winced in pain as the rope pressed hard against the healing cuts on his thighs, burning.

 “Doing OK Link?” Rhett asked, noticing the grimace in the other man’s expression _The cuts don’t feel as good now, do they? - Stop it -_ Rhett immediately scolded himself, _that’s not what he needs right now._

“Yeah, I’m fine. Still don’t really understand what you’re thinking with this though”

“It’ll be OK Link,” Rhett said as he placed the instructions and extra rope on the table and walked back to Link, placing a gentle kiss on the top of the brunette’s head.

“Ok…” Rhett took a slow inhale, and even slower exhale as he stepped back, looking Link up and down doing a last check on the carefully placed knots, ensuring they were solid but not causing any harm to Link.  Lastly, Rhett knelt before the bound man, lining his eyes directly with the Link’s.  Peering deep past Link’s quizzical gaze.  Seeing again all the years of pain, of hiding, of inner struggle, and the scars, masked behind a lopsided grin and forced sparkle.  _I’m sorry it took so long for me to see your struggle Link, I’m sorry that I’ve been so selfish all of these years._

“You’re so beautiful Link,” _how can your eyes be so sad,_ “I love you so, so much...  Please forgive me, please remember I am on your side.” _I can do this, I have to, for you._ Rhett cupped Link’s face in his hands, shaking, and kissed Link tenderly on his soft lips.  Link felt a tear hit his cheek as Rhett kissed him.

“Wha- What’s wrong Rhett? Why are you saying that?” without thinking, Link immediately pulled against his restraints, but was only met with solid resistance.  He pulled again. Nothing.

Rhett wiped his eyes as he stood up and walked away from Link, disappearing into the next room.   _It’s now or never.  Oh Lord, give me the strength,_ Rhett prayed, _please don’t let Link hate me, please, please make this work. I don’t know what else to do. I love him so much. Please let him forgive me, don’t let me go too far._   After composing himself, Rhett returned to Link’s view holding something small and thin in his right hand, and a clean cotton rag in the other.  Link squinted in attempt to make out the small object.  _Is that a carpenter’s pencil?_  Link thought to himself; thoroughly confused. 

_No_ … Link’s eyes grew wide in a panic as he accurately identified the object.

“Rheeett…” Link said slowly and as calmly as he could.  His mind racing, fear and anxiety rising. “What are you doing?... Why do you have a box cutter?”

Without a word to Link, Rhett gave the small box cutter a couple clicks, revealing a new, sharp blade only about a ½ long.  As Link struggled against his ropes, Rhett pulled a small lighter from his pocket, ignited the flame and carefully passed it back and forth along the sharp edge of the blade.  Once he was finished, he wiped the sides with the clean cloth, careful to not nick his fingers.

“Rhett? Rhett! I don’t understand, what are you doing? Answer me.  You’re scaring me!” Link cried out to Rhett, panicked.

“I’m scaring you?” Rhett huffed breaking his silence, walking closer to Link, looking down at the brunette incredulously.  Rhett knew this was probably really, _really_ stupid, but he was determined to get through to Link, and this was the only way he could see how.  “Link, you scare me every day with what you’re doing.  I am terrified that one day I am going to find you, and I will be too late” The mental imagery of Link lying on floor, lifeless, flooded Rhett’s mind causing him to sharply inhale as he fought back the tears.

“I don’t know what else to do Link, you keep pushing me away.  You won’t talk to me; you won’t talk to a professional. I don’t know what else to do to get through to you.” As the last few words passed Rhett’s lips, he turned his left arm, revealing the soft, delicate underside to Link.  And with knife in his right hand, pressed the tip of the blade against his skin.

“Rhett, please, don’t do this” Link pleaded then watched in horror as his best friend, his business partner, his love, dragged the knife across his arm.  Blood filled the cut quickly and spilled over, running down Rhett’s arm.

“Rhett!!” Link cried, “What are you going?! Don’t do that! Stop!” Tears running down his face.

“But Link,” Rhett stated solemnly, looking the brunette in his tear-filled eyes, echoed Link’s past words, “It’s my body, and I can do what I want with it. It doesn’t affect you. It feels good, and that’s what’s important.” Rhett didn’t truly believe the words that he was saying, and it broke his heart to use Link’s own words against him.  _I’m sorry Link, I love you so much. One day I hope you’ll forgive me._ Rhett slowly brought the knife back to his left arm.

“Rhett! Stop! Please!” Link practically screamed as he fought against the ropes. Still unable to move while Rhett slowly dragged the blade again.  Wincing as the nerves in his arm cried out in pain attempting to signal the brain to stop his hand.

Tears poured down Link’s face.  “Please stop!” Shaking his head back and forth, “I… I don’t want this! I don’t want this!” He sobbed.

“No?” Rhett paused, _are you finally starting to understand?_

“ _That_ is how I feel Link.  That is how I feel every time I see a new cut on you. Powerless to stop it.  For so many years I was wrong, for so many years I convinced myself that you were fine. But deep down I knew. I knew Link, and it killed me. It kills me even more now to know that I was right, and you kept it from me.”

“I, I didn’t mean to,” Link tried between sobs, looking down at the floor “it only affected me, so I – “

 “NO!!” Rhett yelled with a force that caused Link to flinch. “Don’t you get it Link? This does not only affect you! I know this sounds selfish, but you’re hurting me too when you do this! And I feel helpless to stop you from hurting yourself.” Rhett’s voice hitched, “It hurts Link! It hurts so much! I feel so helpless to stop you just as you are helpless right now to stop me.” And with that, Rhett pulled the knife a third time, feeling a surge of adrenaline.

“Rhett! PLEASE STOP!!!” Link begged, his face red and stained with tears. “I’m sorry Rhett! I’m so sorry! Please…please” Link whimpered. _I’m sorry, I didn’t realize. I’m so selfish, I’m so sorry Rhett._

_Enough now, he’s had enough._ Said a warm, gentle inner voice to Rhett. _There’s no need to do any more damage_. 

Rhett set the knife down and held the cloth against his burning skin to catch the blood.  Link hung his head as he cried.  He closed his eyes, but the image of Rhett cutting himself played back; over and over.

Again, Rhett knelt down in front of Link, tilting the broken man’s chin up gently with his fingers to look him in the eyes.  “It hurts that you kept this from me Link,” Rhett said calmly, his voice low and full of love and warmth.  “It hurts that you continue to push me away and fight this on your own.  You. Are _NOT_ alone. Link.”  Rhett sighed, and in an even softer voice repeated, “You’re not alone… please… stop pushing me away.  I love you, and I am with you… please...please forgive me for not seeing this sooner, please forgive me for putting you through this now. I love you so much.”

“I love you too Rhett” Link croaked, “I’m so sorry”

Carefully, Rhett undid the ropes around Link’s legs, hips, chest and arms.  Once freed, Link threw his arms around Rhett’s waist and buried his head in the taller man’s chest. “I’m sorry Rhett”

“I know” Rhett replied as he lovingly stroked Link’s raven hair, and kissed him on the top of the head.

“But… I don’t know if I can stop Rhett,” Link confessed, “I’ve been doing it for so long, I’m afraid that part of me with always want to do it again, but I don’t want to hurt you” _He’s going to leave you._

“I know Link” Rhett held him closer and tighter to his chest, “I’m not expecting everything to be perfect or things to change overnight, but please see someone about this, we can go together.”  Rhett kissed the top of Link’s head again. “I am not going to leave you for this, but I want you to try please.  Be open with me, know that I am not going to let you push me way. I love you, and I would do anything for you.”

“I love you too Rhett,” Link pulled back just enough to look up at the green eyes lovingly looking back at him.  “Please help me Rhett.”

“Of course,” Rhett lowered his head and kissed Link hard.

 

_We will do this together_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it! Thank you again so much to everybody who has read, commented, and left kudos. It means the world to me as I try something new.
> 
> And again, thank you for sticking with me on a potentially uncomfortable topic.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a way for me to safely work through thoughts I've been having lately.  
> Thank you for allowing me to get it off my chest.
> 
> Thank you for reading, and for your kudos and comments.  
> It was very exciting and encouraging to see the number of hits and kudos I received for my first fic. Thank you


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